Letters To Joanne
by Nights Mistress
Summary: Various characters in Harry Potter discover that JK Rowling has a large influence in their world and write letters to her for various reasons (restraining order, recruitment, public affairs...the list goes on)
1. Harry

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. To be totally honest, why would I want to? I'd rather have a tank. Then I would never have to worry about giving way on the roads and parking. Life would be much simpler if I had a tank.

Quick Explanation: This is a joke. It is not my opinion on anything. It's Harry's, and any flames should be sent to him. I just typed what he ranted at me.

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To Joanne with Love - by Nights Mistress

__

The Smallest Bedroom

4 Privet Drive

Little Whinging

Surrey

Dear Ms Rowling,

It has come to my attention that you have been writing an unofficial biography about me. While it is not illegal to write such a document, the methods that you have employed certainly are a violation of privacy.

Being referred to as the Boy Who Lived is bad enough in the wizarding world, but having a random individual record every insignificant event and action for worldwide publication is humiliating. I would have though that Rita Skeeter's predicament would have left a lasting impression, however this appears not to be the case.

In addition to either being constantly stalked by yourself or being monitored by surveillance system of Orwellian proportions, the publication of your biography has spawned thousand of spurious stories involving me in countless ludicrous situations. While I doubt that you wrote every individual story, it is clear that your biography is the direct cause of this tarnishing of my name.

All of this could have been excused, had you not had the audacity to commercialise my image in an attempt to sell more copies of your books. While I'm sure that you, in your castle with millions of pounds being paid to you daily, see nothing wrong with this, I on the other hand am unable to buy so much as a toothbrush without being confronted with your crass attempts to make money out of my life.

I have recently spoken to my lawyer and as a result will be taking legal action against you if you do not cease your actions as of the end of this month.

Yours Sincerely,

Harry J. Potter

p.s. Professor Snape appreciates how you have presented him in your work.

Authors Note: I wrote the majority of this in my head during an electrical engineering lecture. If you've ever been to one, you'd understand. If not, let me assure you, this is the most tame method that people employ to keep themselves awake. Generally they use illict substances.

So, what did you think? Let me know! Depending on what people think, I might actually start a whole series of letters address to various people. Come on, you know you want to read the letter the Dursleys sent to Dumbledore, or the letter that Draco Malfoy sent to Ron Weasley (and I'm not a slash writer, so get your head out of the gutter) or even the letter that Snape wrote to Sirius Black after the Whomping Willow incident.


	2. Voldemort

Pit of Evil Misdoing

Somewhere in England

Dear Ms Rowling,

It has recently come to my attention that you have been profiling the life and times of my nemesis, Harry Potter. Considering the favourable publicity that the under-grown wretch has received in recent years, I would like to offer you a job as my PR agent, where your talents would be appreciated in a manner that you deserve.

Harry Potter's popularity is entirely due to you, however, my sources tell me that the ungrateful brat has threatened you with legal action unless you cease writing his unofficial biography. The little toe-rag is not appreciative of the sheer amount of work that goes into your books to portray him as something other then a whining little prat who should have been put down at birth. It is apparent that your talents should be utilised for someone who deserves them.

I, unlike Harry Potter, am well aware of how rare a decent PR agent is, and am willing to pay you handsomely for your efforts. This is a fantastic opportunity for you to fully use your abilities in the manner of your choosing, and you would be foolish to ignore it. After all, with your skills, I may be able to shake off the misguided belief that many of the wizarding world have of me that I am stupid, ugly, insane and weak. I am none of these things, however this misconception continues to linger.

As part of your job, I would require you to paint me in a more favourable light, emphasising the numerous charities that I have started, including Tom Riddle's Orphanage for Orphaned Purebloods and ignoring the biased opinions presented by the Ministry of Magic. Your involvement in the more dangerous aspects of Evil Overlordship would be minimal, as I am willing to record my actions for your perusal later, unlike the Potter brat, who made you follow him everywhere.

If you choose accept this offer, the benefits are as follows;

protection from Death Eater raids. If this is impractical, a warning will be issued in advance, so you may organise your affairs a portion of the money made by the Death Eater Organisation. All health benefits that magic can provide. This includes death, however I cannot be held accountable if you arise from the dead as a blood thirsty zombie. Minimal contact with the dreadful Potter boy. After his actions, I doubt that you would want to see him in the near future anyway. 

I eagerly await your reply,

Tom Riddle (a.k.a. Lord Voldemort)

Authors Note: I had no idea that the next letter would be from Voldemort, until I sat in my Introduction to Avionics lecture. God (sorry, random fluctuations in the space-time continuum), it was boring. I encountered the worst speaker in the world and have resolved never to work with that guy ever. Anyway, back on topic. Writing these letters is fun. Really! However, I am wondering, who's next to write a letter? And to whom? I was thinking an apology letter from Mr Weasley to Mr Malfoy from CoS. I'm using the word apology loosely here. Any other suggestions? Suggestions such as 'Try listening to your lectures' will be frowned at, and suggesting classes I should attend for inspiration will probably invoke laughter. Actually, suggest classes! That would be fun. I should shut up now.

Nights Mistress


	3. Dementors

Azkaban

North Sea

Dear Ms Rowling,

As a representative of the Dementors Union, I have written in regards to the working conditions that we must endure. It's become so bad that we have problems with filling our shifts and many prisoners are not receiving the number of guardians that they should. 

Firstly, the working environment. Azkaban is not an ideal working environment. The human residents are a rather depressing lot, especially Mr. Lestrange with his constant screaming, moaning and pleading. Also, because it is in the North Sea, Azkaban is bitterly cold, which is to be expected. However, we have been constantly requesting a central heating system or even some repairs on certain wings. As of yet, our plight has been ignored.

Secondly, employee benefits are minimal. In exchange for our guarding of magical criminals, we are repaid with but a pittance of a frail human emotion, which is never enough for all of our employees. While the minute amounts are preferable to nothing at all, this issue has been destroying employee morale, which when you consider the first point, wasn't that high to begin with.

Finally, we are tired of certain individuals making our job harder. Two years ago, we had an inmate escape and we requested the assistance of the Headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore. His aid was given grudgingly and was retracted without warning. This obstruction of justice allowed a convicted and dangerous criminal to walk free while we were placed on probation for our supposed lapse.

And of Harry Potter's unfortunate tendency to pass out whenever he is in close proximity, what of it? Why should the regulation of law be dependent on a child's selfish insistence of being the centre of attention? And, to make matters worse, once the child receives this attention, he spurns those to whom he should be the most grateful to, including you.

I have recently heard that an ally of mine, Mr. Riddle, has offered you a job. I have recently spoken to him, and he requests that you also become the spokesperson for the Dementors in addition to his PR agent, with an impressive increase in salary.

This new agreement is much to your advantage. In exchange to your favourable publicity about the Dementor's Union and your highlighting of our unjust plight, we will extend whatever protection that we possess onto you, and will agree not to perform the Kiss upon you. This, in addition to Mr. Riddle's offer, is one that has never been extended to anyone before, and should be an indication of how much we desire your skills.

We beg you for your assistance in this matter.

Eagerly awaiting your reply,

Ix (Union Representative)

Authors Note: Thanks to Engineer Jess, I have discovered that programming lectures are perfect for fan fiction (and the throwing of aircraft – we are the Aerospace Avionics group after all). The Dementors were also her idea, although the union thing was mine.

Thanks also go to Cake Eater, WargQueen, Agiel, Kerbi and k00lgirl1808 for reviewing. (Do it again…please!)


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